pinketysue

I'm not sure yet... my stuff is here, his stuff is here... I have my own bathroom, closet, side of the bed... and yet, it doesn't feel like home... not yet anyway.. at least I hope there's a yet there somewhere... I don't know... I knew it wasn't going to be all cupcakes and flowers moving in, but it seems like there's been a lot more adjusting to do and I seem to be doing the brunt of it. Bran seems to take some things I say lately more serious than he should, and other things I say not seriously enough, and because I know him, how he acts and reacts to things, I end up being the one walking on eggshells even when I know he's in the wrong. I give him his space because I don't want to be too clingy and he gets upset at me for not being around... I spend a lot of time with him and one little thing I say (usually sarcastic and not serious at all) pisses him off and we end up sitting next to each other in silence... Like today. A Shrek movie i had not seen before came on T.V. and I paused it so I could watch from the beggining after I finished the dishes. I told Bran to rewind it because I was almost done and he says he doesn't want to watch it because there are witches in it. I know Bran feels strongly about anything involving witchcraft, but these are cartoon "wicked witch of the wests" in multiple in a version of one of our favorite movie franchises... I explained this to him and now he thinks I'm calling him a hypocrite.. which it kind-of seems like he is being... And I was really looking forward to watching it... He said if I wanted to watch Shrek whatever # it was, then he would go into the other room, so I said nevermind, but I was really disappointed, and me being disappointed doesn't make him want to make me happy, it just pisses him off... So I walked out of the room and am now sitting here alone in the bedroom wishing I could be with him. He's watching hockey or something and not even caring what I happen to be thinking or feeling, which I was expecting. The silence won't end until I break it... which is also kind of disappointing... Sometimes all a woman really wants is someone who will put forth an effort for her happiness... someone who would fight for her love... sometimes I wish I had that...

Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes Love work hard...

I haven't updated in a while.... Not that I haven't needed to, but I just haven't found the time with all the craziness going on. Life has been a complete and utter rollercoaster emtionally, physically, mentally... And I'm not handling it well I guess. Bran sustained a really bad injury and he's out of work for a few months. He's been very frustrated and upset that the reason he's laid-up is his fault (it wasn an avoidable accident). To top it all off, I've been with Bran nearly every day for a week after his accident, and my dad calls to tell me my grandmother has passed away. It was nothing I wasn't expecting, and I'm sorry to say the timing affected me more than her actual death. She had lived a long, full life of 89 years and she has earned her rest, but to make it to the wake I had to get coverage for work. One of my guides E-mailed me shortly after I found out to tell me he was leaving town starting saturday (this was friday) and he wouldn't be back all month. I had just finished the March shcedule with him in it.. So it took me hours and a lot of risky scheduling to fix it. Now I have guides trying to adjust the schedule to fit their needs too. Being short one person has made it so much more difficult. To top it all off, I couldn't afford to miss class, so I had to miss my grandmother's funeral to catch a flight to make class. The Flight landed 5:30, class started at 6... I made it, but it was stressful. Needless to say I haven't gotten much sleep or any type of relaxation and I go back to work tomorrow after a very stressful day of running errands and having very little go right.

I'm dreading work tomorrow too. I really want to love my job, but I don't. The stresses of work have made it super difficult for me to want to be there. I enjoy the guests, I enjoy my co-workers, but I don't enjoyed being assessed for things I'm not given the resources to accomplish in the first place.

Now, I can't even get a restful evening. I don't want to go home, I want to spend my time with Brandon. But right now he's on the phone with a friend he'll be talking to for quite a while longer, I can't snuggle with him the way I used to because of his injury, and I can't stay even if my life allowed it because his dad expressed his annoyance of my staying with them when Bran had just come back from the hospital and I was taking care of him all night while his parents got some rest...

I miss the routine as much as I'm not always a fan of routine. Bran and I will be stonger coming out of this, I know, but things will be different. Plus, to lengthen the stress, Bran closes on a house on March 23 and I'll be in charge of moving us both into the house. My mom is pissed because we're not married, and my dad is worried because I have no rights to the house. I mentioned to Bran today that we might consider putting both names on the deed so I have some rights if something were to happen to him--that way my name would be on the house and I wouldn't be kicked out. He shot it down on the grounds that he didn't feel it was necessary until we actually get married. I don't know when that will be, and I understand his wanting his own home for a while, but I kinda hurt that he wouldn't consider my situation also.

So, in short, life's been hell for me and, though I'm taking it day-by-day, it's been a struggle... I feel like I'm in emotional limbo and nobody's there to pull me out...

And it's a game that I can play, but not today...

I have been super-stressed. Work has been ridiculous for me, with me not really knowing what I can and cannot do, and all the staffing issues. I have three employees who are putting me through hell. One just disappeared, another has the damndest time keeping rack of his schedule, and the last has a baby and can't always be reliable 'cause she can't plan for a babysitter (and she never showed up to work last friday, didn't tell anyone because she got free tickets to warped tour...). I put the schedule out way late because of all the staffing mishaps... i just don't feel like i get any respect there. I don't have my own desk and the computers we share are slow and don't always work right...

There's a bug in my margarita. Seems bad luck won't leave me alone... there's a job that i'm trying to drink away, and i got a long, long way to go.

Brandon has been amazing. More amazing than before. He's happier, more carefree, and it makes me more spontaneous, and we have more fun. He doesn't seem to hold back either. I've said before that he was always the one to say "never say never" but now he says "I'll never let you go." He's got big plans and the means to acheive them. And knowing I love him as deeply as I do, and knowing he loves me just as deeply catches my breath and now whenever I look into his eyes I realize just how blessed I am to have him. I thank god everyday for giving me such an amazing gift-- everything I've ever dreamed of in a lover and a best friend. Wow!

Thank god for all I've missed 'cause it led me here to this!!!

That's what Brandon has been saying to me lately: "I will never do anything like that again," and "I will never let you out of my sight again." I got more info from him on when we were estranged... He wasn't exactly honest, but then, he technically didn't have to be, and I promised him I would never hold any of that against him and I won't. I just wanted to know. It doesn't bother me nor does it make me Love him any less. In fact, it almost makes me Love him more to know he didn't break my heart by cheating, he broke my heart so he wouldn't. And now he's fixing it again, and he's done an amazing job thus far. I've never felt so free and yet so comfortable. He is truly amazing and we are both working so hard to make eachother happy--but in the good way. We are succeeding every day. I am so glad he's come back down to earth. Otherwise, work is about to get way better. I start full-time the 16th and it is so weird to be a kind of authority figure and actually have my voice be heard and respected. Craziness.

Everyday is a winding road. I get a little bit closer...

Bran and I were laying on his bed watching tv and he was watching me and stroking my hair and so I asked him what he was thinking and he replied: "Just happy you're here. And glad I'm thinking clearly now." So I asked him what he was thinking clearly about and he said "You're my girl." So I said, "if I'm your girl that makes you my man..." And he said "mm hmm" and were both so happy we kissed and cried (maybe the crying was more me...) He sent me a beautiful e-mail this morning about how thankful he is to have me. He's completely worth the wait. Honestly, I wonder what made him change his mind... But it doesn't really matter, does it? I have my Love to call my own again!!! ::dies happy::

In other news, Iofficially have a full-time job at Fort Menedez. I'll be heading up the writing of and hiring for a new general public program there! I'm so excited!!! It's full-time. I've never had an honest-to-god real FT job before... It's going to be amazing...

It sure is nice to just be the woman with you...

So Bran and I are talking a he casually mentions that I should get out and make more friends, because I don't really have any I spend a decent amount of time with besides him. He says he has, in the past felt obligated to spend time with me because, if he doesn't, I'll end up sitting around the house by-myself. And that is true, and something I get frustrated with a lot. All of the people I really enjoy spending time with are just far enough away to where, much of the time, I can't even afford to go up and see them even when our schedules would allow it. And now bran is telling me I should make an effort, for the sake of our relationship, to make friends in the area. That's easier said than done at this point. He says "try joining a club" and I've tried that in the past, a knitting club, and when I missed a slew of meetings because of work I felt completely guilty and out of place... When I join something like that, or decide to volunteer somewhere, I feel obligated to put in 100% otherwise, I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. Like cannon and musket firing... I feel so guilty that I don't fire on a regular basis, but I make myself feel better about that by saying at least I still use all that info and experience on my tours. But I don't hang out with any of those people... I say hi to them in passing... And those people I know who have said "we should/will hang out, when I call them, they're busy and never return the rain check and then I feel like the annoying friend nobody cares about-- besides, I'm a rotten friend who never remembers birthdays and only spends time with you when it's really convenient, and because of that, unless you really know me, you'd never realize that I'd drop everything in your serious time of need, even if I only talked to you once a year... I dunno. I'm socially inept, and it bothered me to have it so blatantly pointed out by someone who's so on-the-fence that he won't clearly admit to being in a relationship with me unless he wants me to do something... He seems to have raised his expectations for me, meanwhile, I keep lowering my expectations for him just to keep my heart safeguarded. When it seems too good to be true, sometimes, it is. And I'm gonna be prepared for that epiphany. It was such a good day...

...I think it's cool you do what you do and don't try to save me.

I was talking to some of my co-workers the other day, they wanted to know how I was doing with Brandon. I explained that technically we're not together but have been spending a lot of time with each other. Both of them cried bullshit on Bran as though he's doing something horrible until I mentioned that he's been taking me around house shopping with him. Then, though one stood with his belief, the other said, "oh, if you're looking for a house with him then you have nothing to worry about. You're together." so that statement just backs up my previous entry, that what we're doing may not be spoken, but it's what really counts. Though yesterday and today he stopped me while we were talking and told me "I love you" and it wasn't like the usual just friends "Love ya!" It was the look-me-in-the-eye-I-really-mean-it kind of Love you. My heart jumped both times. And then today we were talking about his dad and Bran said "when I was dating my dad warned me to watch who I get caught up with" not the "was" dating. Which means he's not dating anymore. I dunno, I'm giving it until our anniversary. If, after that, he hasn't done anything to make us official anymore, then I'll have to confront him about it. Right no I'm just happier than I've been in a really long time and I'm having a lot of fun. He's still the most amazing man I know. I Love him.

Once again, just letting it ride, but it's been interesting lately. For one, he hasn't mentioned either of us seeing anyone else for a while... And two: well, let's see... He asks me to go to the bank with him to discuss mortgage options, asks me to go house-hunting with him, and Tuesday we're looking at houses and he's driving me to work 'cause my car will be in the shop... Which was totally his idea. We've spent almost every day we're not working together, and , don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. We've been happy, and open, and friskier than ever with eachother and it has been sooo much fun. I'm ignoring the fact we're technically still not together, it feels like we are, and maybe that's all that really matters... I once had a professor ask the class, "Which would be more important to you: a relationship where your significant other tells you "I love you" all the time, but never shows it in any other way; or, one where your loved one never says "I love you" but shows it in the way they act around you?" Of course words are just words: together, apart... If the actions don't add up to the words, than the actions take precidence over them. So maybe Bran and I really are together? I dunno. It feels real, and good. I'll just kneel down and pray it leads to good. Yeah...

In other news, a friend of mine just recently snagged himself a new girlfriend whom he told, via facebook, "you're the exception" and I thought to myself: "Isn't that the goal of every woman?" Every woman wants to be the exception for somebody. You got 99 problems but a Bithch ain't one? That ought to be because your girl just doesn't fit in that category, even if every other woman in the world does. We want to be the one that makes your world revolve, the only one who can turnyour head, the one that makes every other woman in the world a Jane Doe: faceless, nameless, meaningless. We want to be the one that makes your heart skip a beat, who turns you on, drives you crazy, but still keeps you home. I dunno. At least that's what I want to be for the man I end upi with... Maybe it's too much to ask...

Holdin' you close, chasing that moon, spendin' all night lovin' just who you are...

Bran and I have been spending a lot of time together. We go out... We stay in... We talk and laugh and love as if we're together, even thouhg I know we're not and he still talks about both of us going out with other people, although not even he has made a step towards that lately, at least that I know of... At the end of every day we spend together, he strokes my hair, kisses my forehead, looks at me lovingly and says, "Thank you for being so patient." Or something along those lines... And I usually make a smart comment or just roll my eyes or kiss him and ignore it. Why does he do that? It's his game, he's the one who gets mad when we start talking about our current state and I break down into weepy tears practically begging him to just say he's back for good... He's the one who has the problem with all of that, and yet he's the one who keeps bringing the subject up like it's something we should talk about. I don't know why... He knows where I stand. He's heard every argument. He's explained to me a dozen times that we have our whole lives ahead of us and he can't understand why anyone would want to be married and tied down so young... And I think that's what he's afraid of... But I'm not asking him to marry me, I'm just asking him to be mine again... A relationship does not mean being tied down. I feel more free in a relationship than out of one because I know I can do whatever I'm gonna do and I don't have to worry about who I piss off or who I attract... I've got somebody who loves me for who I am and who I'm not. Being single, I'm always wondering who I should be impressing... I hate that... If Bran wants to get to know new people I've never stopped him. Because he feels as though he needs to be single to get to know other women I just assume the get to know part includes intimacy which bran swears up and down it doesn't. Then what the hekl is the big deal? I've met and talked to and gotten to know men while bran and I were dating and because it meant nothing other than talk I never felt guilty, and I told him everything too. So I dunno. What I know now is I seem to have his full attention at the moment so I guess I'll take full advantage of it. Honestly, the source of my patience--the reason I don't just get fed up and walk away like I did with Scott--is because something somewhere is telling me not to let him slip away. I know bran enough to know that he would not put up a fight for my love. If I decided today that I couldn't wait for him to make up his mind he'd simply say he understands and he's sorry and then he'd probably never talk to me again. When I ran out of his house in hysterics because he had just told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, he didn't try to stop me. He didn't get in his car and drive sround the block to make sure I was alright. If I hadn't come back would he even have looked? He wasn't gonna bother trying to come after me, even when I tore out of his driveway, all he did was call his mom, flabergasted, and tell her i was gone. I can't remember if he even called after that. Even then, it would have been to make sure I hadn't jumped off a bridge more than to say he was sorry and ask me to take him back. That will be my proof I guess. When he's willing to fight to have me in his life I'll know. For right now he's still being selfish and if I walked away he wouldn't dare think to follow. That's why I don't get fed up with him and just leave. I can't. I'd be ruining both our lives... I'm still waiting for my world to come crashing down. I still get this feeling like this is all very nice and ideal at the moment but it's way to good to be true. And it is. 'Cause it's not true... It's just what it is right now and eventually it'll go away. And if I find someone else I deem worthy of my time to actually date, bran's going to get a rude awakening, because, for the sake and respect of the other person, I won't be able to continue with bran the way we're going on now. There's no way I could do that to anyone else. And there's no way I could actually date, and kiss, and spend my time with someone who doesn't mean anything to me above a few laughs. And brandon got all confused when the girl he had already taken out and made out with a few times brought him home to meet her family. People date more than once to find love, not because it's fun and different and doesn't mean anything... I dunno... Like I said, I'm still going with the flow and I'm doing my best not to let all this get the best of me. I'm trying. I just hope it pans out for the better, though I'm still expecting the worst.

Kiss me when I'm down